The Great Escape

The great escape, a run from evil. Gasping for breath, inhaling deeply, wanting only to disappear. Frightened because my fears haunt me. This reality is a physical nightmare everyone is careless. Focused only on themselves, while loyalty is kicked to the curve. The struggle of living in repetition, tears being held back by the mere thought of being embarrassed and having to explain the cause. Breathing with so much tension that every breath you take feels like your going to welch in tears. Stuck between the little self-control you have for making sure those tears don’t start bleeding out of your eyes uncontrollably, and the hatred you have for yourself for ending up in this position. You realize you have no one to blame. But giving up is not an option. I want to run towards anything, it doesn’t matter as long as I can run away, but this weight, Feels like an anchor keeping you in place, like a boat. Only moving with the current of the ocean, circling the failure that’s keeping you down. You count the seconds, as they turn to minutes and you desperately watch the minutes turn to hours. Counting the last second until you can leave. Leaving is only temporary, and you know that sad, sad truth but the temporary relief sounds like it would make everything better. Not a long-term solution, only temporary. Looking for something permanent but you take the temporary, because at the end of the day all you want to do is catch your breath. Racing home is like holding your breath underwater. Seeing home is as if you see the surface. Walking through the door feels like your forehead breaking the surface, grabbing the bottle is the euphoria you feel when your hand is above water, Submerged knowing that your literally milliseconds away from inhaling life back into your soul. You pour the glass; you finally gasp for air, regaining the oxygen you lost, all of it that drained the life out of you. Leaving your body and mind weak, And then, only then you realize, life doesn’t have you by the throat any more. You’re free. Breath… numb the pain that almost caused you to lose it. Burry the hate, the struggle, all of it. Because the escape is ever so sweet, calming, and then, and only then do you realize that everything is going to be ok, because you are finally breathing. You are. Finally Breathing.   

Maybe Its Me?

Is it me? I ask my self-everyday, well almost everyday. These days now more then ever. I ask myself a series of questions. Why am I so angry? Why am I so sad? Why do I feel like every little thing bothers me? Why do I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs? I'm not really sure why, but Fuck. Today was just one of those days.

It started last night it was probably my lack o f sleep, I wanted to rest because I won tickets to a Tequila tasting event. Yes. I won tickets it came as a surprise, I don’t usually win anything but this was by far the 2^nd best thing I’ve ever won. I was excited for this day, I wanted to nap but my brother needed my aid. The same brother I was going to take with me. He “Lost” his keys, at work. Now that’s not really the straw that broke the camels back. It’s a simple mistake, shit happens. I call him get more details, before anything I'm on my way. Its 3:25pm Wednesday in LA traffic is congested as usual, but that wasn’t it. The traffic does drive me crazy (all Puns intended) I can’t stand people. They don’t know how to drive stopping going stopping not paying attention. But whatever you got to’ love LA right?

I'm on the road for about 12 minutes. Mind you this is LA 12 minutes are a lifetime, I may not be the most patient person but that has nothing to with it. It started with him calling me back saying he found his keys Locked inside his car. I feel a little rejoiced, that he found his keys, a little bummed out that I was stuck on Imperial after the 605 standing still waiting to turn the fuck around. But hell, look at the bright side I'm going to tequila tasting event. We take off I'm a little annoyed that I didn’t sleep because shit, I don’t know how long this events going to be… well I do but still I'm running on 3 hours of sleep. But that was not it.

We get to the event we had fun well for the most part, the event consisted of 4 stops. By the 2^nd stop my brother was completely tanked. I over look the situation because ignorance is bliss. But you can only ignore reality for so long until it starts shattering what you’re using to ignore your first problem. He starts “trying” to hit on these girls who look like fucking dykes, and they are clearly giving him the cold fucking shoulder. But he’s persistent.  It bothers me to see him get turned down but what do I tell him if he doesn’t get it? My night is slowly becoming a nightmare the more he speaks the more his words start to slur the more he rambles on about things that do not make sense. The odd looks he gets the more I feel like they see me the same, but I get reassurance’s when I speak, my speech impeccable, my stance normal, body language clean and clear. There’s more but for the sake of him reading this and shaming him, I will not discuss it. Just know it gets worse.

The event ends and they provide us with Designated Drivers who will drive your car and take you home and their partner would follow in a car behind us to take said driver home or wherever. He refuses to use the service. He would much rather drive. Yes. The guy who can barely stand, who can barely talk and who has had a DUI wants to drive. And then he has the audacity to say your going to put our lives in the hands of some stranger? Yep. He said that. Being persistent that he wants to drive. Halfway home my little brother texts me that he’s stuck and the car would not start… this brother of mines is another headache. And it didn’t just start with that particular incident. It was my birthday on Sunday the 16^th, and I didn’t expect anything from anyone but I did give them (my brothers and sister) my wish list from Amazon. Now he bought his “girlfriend” some girl he barely knows for a couple of months if that… and this guy is buying shit for her for “valentines day” like pj’s and shirts and candy. Its all whatever you must show love I get it. But what drives me completely fucking nuts is that he didn’t get me a gotdamn thing for my birthday, didn’t eve spend the day with me. But he goes out of his way to spend time with that little fucking whore. Now I'm a grown ass man and I don’t expect anything but I at least wanted to spend the day with him didn’t even get that. That was in the back of my mind these past couple of days. but that was not it. He took my moms car to go pick up my sister from work. Honorable right? Pfftt… I don’t trust him and with good reason. He’s a spoiled little fucking brat who can care less for anyone but himself.

Back to the car story, the car’s battery died. He did something that caused the battery to die. What did he do? According to him absolutely nothing. And then the placement of the car right by the entrance of the restaurant of my sister’s job. There couldn’t be no more then 4’ from the door and the car. This fucking careless asshole just parked the car right there no worries no fucks given. He doesn’t think or take anything into consideration. Ok lets say nothing happened to the car and it did no die. The placement of the car was still absurd. Who the fuck does that? Ill tell you who, that motherfucker. I end up calling AAA so they can jump-start the car they’re due to arrive in 30 minutes.

My brother wakes up (yes the drunk one) and he’s pissed that we are not home. He starts rambling on that he’s a functioning member of society and has to complete his obligations. Like bitch if you don’t shut your fucking drunk ass up and calm the fuck down I'm going to have to beat some ones ass. A fucking functioning member of society DOES NOT DRIVE DRUNK ENDANGERING PEOPLES LIVES. A FUNCTIONING MEMBER OF SOCEITY DOES NOT ACT LIKE A COMPLETE IMBESAL. He gets out of the car and tries to stab the wheels of the dead car with a knife, who the fuck plays like that? He wants to go home and is concerned about sleeping to go to work the next day. He’s pissed that were not home and can careless about the situation and he’s still intoxicated. My sister comes up with this “genius” idea and says why doesn’t pancho take him home and we can wait for AAA. Now I don’t trust this selfish motherfucker to drive my car and come back he already fucked up the one we are waiting for, so I stay in silence. My other brother gets out of the car but just before that he says no one cares about me and leaves. Walking. He is easily 1 hour and 20 minutes away from home. Its 11:39pm. The AAA agent arrives at 11:43 we get the car jumped and on the road in minutes my little brother drives the car back.

As we are driving he takes off as if it were a race to get home. Like I said care less ass motherfucker. He doesn’t even have his lights on. I flash my high lights and I honk. But nothing I speed up to catch him and I pull up next to him and he still thinks this is a fucking game. He finally puts down his window and I scream at the top of my lungs: “TURN ON YOUR LIGHTS YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE” the smile fades away and the lights go on as I take off… but that’s still not it. That is not the last thing that infuriates me with anger…

We are driving slow, to locate my brother he’s nowhere to be found we get home and nothing. I get inside he’s still not here. An hour passes by and his Facebook statuses are some bullshit. He finally arrives home with tears in his eyes wanting his keys for his car (they were in my car) I gave them to him and he leaves he promptly comes back for his backpack. The backpack with his weed in it. He’s never sobered not a single sober moment in his life. He needs help but refuses to admit that he has a problem. But that was not it… there’s more…

I didn’t go to sleep until 4:30am why? I don’t fucking know stress. I wake up at 10 and I'm automatically conflicted with problems stress and worries… I'm never usually like this. I'm not hung over but I'm upset. I'm worried sick. I get a call from my fiancé and it’s a normal day. I ask her to come over for comfort but she has better things to do and she’s worried about gas… I get it so I let it go. And I tell her I'm going to let her go cuz I have stuff to do. I text my sister see if she wants to go eat she says yes. My girlfriend has a guilty conscience says she want to go now. I say ok… I go tell my sister Isabel will be over in one hour. Its 11:26am it roughly takes her 1-hour to get from Beverly Hills to bellflower…

I tell my sister to get ready and she says she has plenty of time I say ok and I leave to my mom’s room I want to call my fiancée and talk to her. The piece of shit of my little brother is in the bed in the sheets watching TV says he only had 2 classes. And he left early. I ask him what time he went to school as I pull up his schedule. He says he left at 10 but I do not believe that sack of shit he lost my trust a long time ago… I tell him I don’t believe him. A coupe of minutes go by and I just come home I call my fiancée and tell her a couple of things I dont know what she said that pissed me off.

It had something to do with the wedding. A couple of days ago I went to eat with her, her sister and her mom and some of their friends. Besides getting bitched at for my driving and how fast I'm going I get into an altercation about how they are going to pick the cake for my wedding. Not my fiancée but her sister, and her fucking mom. Telling me, what my cake is going to be like. Now I know what your thinking wtf man who gives a fuck. I give a fuck I'm a fat guy and no one picks my cake besides my fiancée and me. Now we had already agreed we were going to get this batman cake (not really agree but we thought it was dope) now her sister is taunting me saying no. Your not getting that cake we already decided, right mom? And the mother responds with a yes. Like bitch whom the fuck do you think you are. I look back at them and I tell them good thing its not your guys wedding its ours and she’s still on her fucking high horse that they already picked it out. I could have jumped right over that table and fucking strangled her.

My blood boils. I tremble in anger. I'm Grinding my teeth And my fiancée is just sitting next to me, now I'm not sure if she’s ignoring the whole incident or if she’s just not going to humor it whatever it is it made me feel sad. I wanted to scream I wanted to cry. I did not want to be there any more. I don’t tell her and she does not notice. Her family always humiliates me. I bought a beer before the meal, a fucking beer and got dirty looks. I'm never good enough we finally got home and I got out. I wanted to leave and not say anything. But I they wouldn’t know. And they would win. So I waited until they went inside, I told Isabel through a text. And I left. I was so angry I wanted to call off the wedding. I mean if your not going to be there for me now are you going to be there for me when were married? It hurt. I cried all the way home.

Any who I call her again and ask her where she’s at she’s close so I go warm up my car so she doesn’t waste gas. She arrives and she insists we take her car. I don’t know what it was, maybe the accumulation of all these things that finally consumed me, but I broke when I called my sister and she did not answer I knocked on her door and nothing. I go around and she’s in the shower it was 12:33pm and she was in the fucking shower I told her Isabel was here and that we were leaving.

Now I don’t know what it was maybe my anger and frustrations finally funneled down as I got in the car and we left, I started to cry. My anger was so much my frustration of the careless family I have and the fiancée who doesn’t side with me.

We get to the restaurant and we eat I'm more calm she tries to make me laugh all she does is uplift my spirit that’s about it… we leave and were on our way to the bank to cash a check we do so. And we leave. And she asks me what’s wrong and to talk to her and I tell her I was really hurt. And that she needed to talk to her mom and sister about this situation. And she over looks it and I tell her next time you are not going to like what I tell them and I will shut both of them up. She doesn’t like that. I tell her that I'm upset and I tell her that it’s going to be worse when were married. She gets upset we stay silent the whole way home a 15-minute drive she says nothing and neither do I.

I'm upset that she refuses to say anything about what happened maybe it’s me. Maybe I am an asshole. Maybe I have anger issues. Maybe I am making mountains of dirt piles but if it’s an issue now, and were not fully together how much more of an issue will it be once were together? The disrespect from her family towards me, and the fact that I cant react and reply without sounding disrespectful.

I can’t say anything with out being hushed or told I am being rude. I am me, I am who I am and I will not let anyone walk all over me. It’s happened before and I don’t like the outcome. I will not submit and if that’s an issue she can’t live with then maybe we are not meant to be…

maybe I'm self destructive and I just want to be alone but this is not a game this is not having her stuck in the middle between me and her family. We are due to be married and we are going to become one. There shouldn’t be any between me and her family was supposed to dedicate ourselves to each other. All it seems like right now is that I'm dedicating myself to a dictatorship under her mother. And that is not what I want…

Inside Out Pt. I

5 years Dedicated, 5 years of learning. 5 years of change, as the days went by I saw the change happen. I saw real managers leave; I saw the change with my own eyes. My first day was fairly awkward, I dint expect to hit the floor so quick, no training, no guidance, no one to go to if I had questions, I guess I was not meant to last long. This should have been the first sign that this was going to fall apart quickly. I hit the floor running, but I was desperate. I needed the job, and the pay was decent. It kept my head above water. Not knowing that I would one day bleed the colors of this company and then be kicked to the curve so easily. Discarded with no disregard to what little value I had.

Funny I laugh, I can still replay the days where I no longer wanted to be there, I wanted to run out and inhale freedom, but my bills and duties kept me chained to this misery I called a decent job. Hell. A decent job for most, it was good while it lasted, towards the end I had a lot to complain about even though I shouldn’t have. I had a set schedule where many didn’t. My pay was better than some of the people that were in higher position than me; I knew this because they were colleagues of mine. Associates I started with, people who struggled the same way I did. The same people who saw the change and embraced it, I guess money does go a long way.

I declined these offers to “move up the corporate ladder” as I saw them unfit, and unsound. If I know how to do what you know how to do and it’s a walk in the park, but I see the flaws in what you call “management” why would I restrict myself to “climbing this corporate ladder”?

Lets take a few steps back because I feel like I’m moving to fast for those of you who have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about. If you can read between the lines you can feel my frustration. A frustration that later on digested as an acid that freed me from the shackles of this oppression they call retail. The task of dealing with people and eating their shit. The rules that they don’t read but they try to enforce.

A quick question. Would you call yourself a sensei in a dojo? Would you call yourself a pilot in a descending plane? Would you call yourself a doctor while someone dies? I wouldn’t. Hell why would I? I mean I know the definition of all these terms. There for I would never label myself something that I am not. Would I call myself a manager even though I did not know how to lead? Would I call my self a manger even tough I did not know how to manage? FUCK NO I would not. Why? Because its not as easy as adding that word in front of your name. I can’t look at something and call it gold and boom! Magically it’s gold. It doesn’t work that way. Then why the hell-on gods green earth would they do this? Hey you want an extra 30k in your salary? Shit… I would. Why the fuck not? I’m human, I’m naturally greedy, but that’s beside the point.

You can be a cool person down to earth and have everyone like you, but if you’re not a leader you probably should not be a manager. Now I know what your thinking, what the fuck does this guy know about Leadership? Believe it or not I know a heck of a lot more than those idiots of yours you call bosses, But that my friends, is another conversation for another blog.

This long journey of a rat race I unfortunately participated in, paid my rent, bought me a car and gave me the lavished lifestyle I have today.

Awkward, Normal. (Happy Birthday Isabel)

When I hold her hands I feel her passion as my partner,
The days I spend apart from you are like minutes under water, 
We're a team and loves our sponsor, 
I'm her monster, to conquer, 
Her knight in shining armor, 
She's my supporter, 
When life's a living torture,
Our loves a mess call us hoarders, 
We're not going anywhere like cars with no motors, 
She keeps me warm in the long and cold Octobers, 
My hearts private property shes the Owner,
We carry the weight of each others worlds on our shoulders, 
To keep this relationship afloat is a constant battle were both soldiers, 
Well stick together as we grow older, 
Awkward and abstract but we both feel normal, 
I'm her opposite in her journal,  
Shes up early and I'm Nocturnal, 
I've learned her, I can give you a tour, 
And be thorough.

Honestly?..

Tired of everyone judging, 
I focus on trying, 
I'm between screaming and crying.
I'm so indecisive, 
It's not that I wanna stay quiet, 
Its just that Words can't put together
what I want to express so I live in silence, 
Hidden behind laughter with Daily migrants, 
Shit if I told you the truth you thought id be lying..
Midlife crisis.. Hoping that the sun  starts rising, 
Focused on my hustle but the problems keep coming, 
I have my eyes aimed at the target but I'm no good at archery,  
I speak horribly of the irony of my anxiety, 
Dealing with these fucked up ass views of society, 
I need a bottle of rum cuz I'm suffering sobriety, 
Honestly...This is my honesty.

Alcoholic

I feel it's frozen touch as soon as it grabs my hand, I have no urge pull away. It doesn't frighten me, I find bravery inside to grab its cold frozen hand, I open it. He Fizzles with joy, his aroma is mesmerizing. He wants me to indulge in him, my mouth waters. I crave a thirst as if I've been dehydrated for hours, days... As my lips touch the cold, frozen glass, he pours into me, starts possessing  me. The bitterness of his taste, the sharpness of the fuzz make my eyes water... I gulp down with eyes of satisfaction. I feel like I just took a deep breath after being held under water for minutes. Minutes go by and he has fully possessed me. He calls his other demons to join in. I allow them in. I can't fight, the first one wanted more but I only wanted one. I can't communicate with him. He does what he wants.

Ten demons in, I'm buzzed. He wakes from his slumber. He has full control now, I don't want another but he keeps them coming. All I want is to stop. But he grabs me and stands me in front of a mirror and shows me all my pain, my sorrow, my agony, my stress, and strips me away from them. He says he wants to help me, but all I keep thinking is your helping yourself... He responds I am you. I scream in response and say; you are a Demon, he runs and stops in my face were nose to nose, he laughs like a maniacal and responds.. I am everything you conceal about your self, I am the same disgust you disguise, I am the face of your misfortune, I am the blood of your wounds, the scabs of your cuts that you claim are alleviated, vI am the brave asshole you pretend to be. I AM YOU.  His every word is accurate and frightens me  down to the core, I tremble and look in the mirror... I. Am. The Demon.